Sunday, July 6, 2014

Pacemaker Change

My daughter was born with a congenital heart defect. See her story here:

Her first surgery was followed by a insertion of a pacemaker. This week, that pacemaker battery needs to be changed out.

Although it is a fairly simple and outpatient procedure, my nerves are frazzled and those memories back at Stanford come back flooding my mind.

The experience of seeing our first born child go through a heart surgery was nothing short of traumatic. She was just born and I had not formed the bond that I have with her now. I was a brand new Mom and did not know any better but, my heart ached for my child. So little and so strong. Her whole life was ahead of her if she could just pass that hurdle. Every breath she took before surgery was fast and took every bit of strength she had. She could not even eat because it was difficult for her to breathe and eat. The little creature that came out of me was going through heart failure before my very eyes and I was helpless to do anything about it. It was as if I woke up in a bad dream from the time I gave birth to the time she got her surgery. Those 6 hours waiting to see if the kid was going to live or die was the longest 6 hours of my life. There was another couple who was there too with their sweet daughter. They had gone through the heart surgeries before with their other kids. They encouraged us through the process. They were experiencing the same pain and helplessness but still took the time to ask us how it was going and offered encouragement. (Adam and Terra, we are eternally grateful to have met you and have been touched forever by your story. Looking forward to our kids growing up together). Coincidentally, they are the founders of an amazing organization called Hopeful Hearts

(Here's a the heartwarming story about our kids on Terra's blog :

Worry starts to come over me today, the enemy places "what ifs" that are outrageous and scary.
I remind myself that she was God child's first and that everything is in his hands. One of my favorite verses is, Matthew 6:26-34

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?"

Knowing that my child will be protected and loved by the will of a merciful and loving God brings me some comfort.

But perhaps the bigger challenge is to explain this all to my 4, almost 5 year old. I am really big about not lying to the kids because I want them to know that they can always come to us for the truth. She had been raised to know Jesus and loves the Lord. I have been prepping her for a month about this procedure. I told her that the pacemaker battery was going to be changed. She did not ask how it was going to be done. I had to tell her that they were going to cut her open and change out the battery. She freaked out. She asked if it would hurt. "Yes, it will hurt".

I made the mistake of saying to her about a month earlier that "everyone dies eventually". She started balling. She said "Mommy, I don't want you to die."  ME AND MY BIG MOUTH. I proceeded to tell her that when God wants us to go to heaven, we die we go to be with Jesus and Mommy will die when she is old, like 99 years old. She cried even harder. "But Mommy, I don't know how to drive or cook on the stove." I assured her that before I died I would make sure that I would teach her to drive and cook.

She asked me if she was going to die when they change her pacemaker. I told her "NO."

I took her to some pre-op procedures the other day. The worst part was when they had to draw blood. They gave her a numbing agent and covered her face with an I-Pad but she still screamed. "Mommy, please help me." Again, that helpless feeling came over me. I just rushed by her side and started to pray out loud with her as she was crying.

She has told me she is scared. All I can do is encourage her to be strong and brave and tell her not to be afraid. I used to tell her when she was 3 and would be afraid of monsters "There are no monsters, just Jesus." Then one day, after the dog went to the vet, I heard her telling the Dog, "Don't be scared Daisy, there are no monsters, just Jesus". I tell her that whenever she is afraid to just pray. That Jesus loves her.

Heavenly Father, I lift my precious child up to you because she is your child first. Touch the operating room, surgeon, nurses, instruments, and everything in that room. Please comfort her and allow her to feel your presence during the entire procedure. Cover her and our entire family with the blood of Jesus and protect us from spiritual, mental, and physical harm. May our entire family trust solely in you. Bind the works of the enemy and bring us your peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you Lord for surrounding us with the friends and family through everything. Thank you for blessing us with precious children and entrusting us to teach her your ways and to love and serve you, Almighty Father.

 Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

No comments:

Post a Comment